my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
