I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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