it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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