she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
