it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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