My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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