he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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