ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
