i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
