Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
