I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
