Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
