Just cropdusted the office
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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