I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
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