i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
