he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
