so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
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We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
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Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
So much rum. So many feels.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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