I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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