thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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