I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
