Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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