you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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