Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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