You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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