I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
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