god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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