It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
