I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
