No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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