her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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