Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Ketchup is God's man juice
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
