Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.