if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Who did Billy Mays play for?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.