So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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