I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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