The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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