Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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