So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
