The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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