I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
