i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
