Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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