Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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