I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
