someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
They took my balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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