He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
