just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
