My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
