Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
