At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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