I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
