sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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