Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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