using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
