im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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