Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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