also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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