omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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