You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
